Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Halloween Part 1: The Necessity of Debunking False Information

     This is the time of year when autumn comes forth upon the earth with its colourful, dew-tipped leaves and its sharp, tingly breezes.  Pumpkins are everywhere in home decorations, with the wonderful scent of pumpkin baked goods in the markets.  This is also the time of year when some people put up decorations of ghosts, witches, spiders and webs in front of their houses, while others put up no decorations because they don't believe in Halloween or don't care.  As the month progresses, there will be another familiar sight on Facebook, Christian websites and other forums: the annual vehement expression of opposition to the holiday of Halloween, trotted out in the form of online articles and pamphlets.  Some of the articles that will be posted once again will be those written by Orthodox Christian clergy, bishops and even those who are now revered as saints.
     As an Orthodox Christian myself, far be it for me to take issue with others in my faith who aren't comfortable celebrating Halloween for spiritual reasons, especially our clergy and hierarchs.  However, with all due respect to our clergy, hierarchs and other Orthodox Christians, I must say that if anyone decides to reject Halloween, he or she should do so with full and proper knowledge of the facts behind this holiday.  People who reject Halloween based on claims that the original intent of the holiday is demonic, that it's based on a pagan Celtic holiday called Samhain, or that it's based on worship of a Lord of the Dead named Samhain, are rejecting Halloween based on false historical information and speculation from dubious, if not outright unreliable, historical sources.
     As an amateur scholar, historian and linguist, and an aficionado of archaeology, I have good reason to express concern about members of my own faith who spread and propagate false history and myths that have been used as scare tactics by Christian fundamentalists over the past twenty years or so.  I also ask fellow members of my faith to take note that there is a great deal of anti-Catholicism in many of the claims made in anti-Halloween Christian tracts.   These anti-Halloween tracts are, as we well know, often aimed against the Orthodox as well.   So, anti-Catholic bias in Protestant anti-Halloween pamphlets becomes not just a problem for the Catholics, but for us as well.  And do we, as Christians, really want to see Christians of other confessions slandering one another, making claims that those who don't agree with their Biblical and theological views "aren't saved?"  Should we not speak out against such ungracious, unloving, judgmental behaviour?  Or will we join the ranks of the self-righteous and judgmental by supporting false claims and pointing fingers at our fellow human beings?
     So, the purpose of this article is to bring to light the real historical facts about Halloween: where it really came from, whether or not it really is connected to the Celtic Samhain holiday, and what the real historical facts are, as opposed to false information.  Then, based on the real facts from valid historical sources, my fellow Orthodox Christians and anyone else reading this blog can make an informed decision on whether or not he or she wants to observe Halloween as a fun, fall holiday--or not.
     I personally have been on all sides of the Halloween spectrum.  I was brought up in the Methodist denomination, and as such, I celebrated Halloween as a fun, goofy holiday rooted in harvest customs and total fantasy.  My mother and father brought me up to believe that Jesus Christ protected me day and night from all demons and other influence, and hence I should not go around fearing them.  Later, when I had what many Protestants might call a personal conversion experience--that is, when I came to my own decision about whether or not to stay in the Christian faith or leave, I tried out several other denominations, briefly sampled the Anglican Church, and worked in the Roman Catholic Church for a long time in the fields of music ministry and education. While in the Catholic parishes, I got involved in the Catholic charismatic movement of the early 1990's.  In that movement, I found that there was so much emotionalism and fear of Satan that I couldn't do anything--read a book, listen to music, turn around--without somebody around me expressing fear that the evil one was trying to deceive me and somehow "get" me.
     In a frenzy of emotional highs, flying endorphins and superstitious fears, I got rid of books, tapes and all sorts of other things that my Catholic charismatic friends deemed "un-Godly."   I avoided Halloween as a "satanic" holiday. It took my mother's untimely death during my senior year of college to get me down from that emotional high, to "come down from the mountain," so to speak.  It took the immense grief of losing a parent to bring me to the realisation that emotional highs are not what Christian faith should be about, that such highs definitely do not last or stand before human suffering, and that faith based on fear is not really faith.  I learned that the only consistent thing we can really count on this world, aside from God's love and presence with us in all situations, good or bad, is change.  People, situations and material realities change, mutate, shift, and pass away.  At the end, the one left standing after all is passed away is myself and God.  Six years later, my father passed away as well, and the whole world of my childhood came toppling down.  Even my childhood home had to be sold to settle unfinished business which my father had left behind.  A world, an era, a whole time--all had passed away!  I was left, once more, with myself and God.  I had brothers and sisters still in the world, to be sure, but by that time I lived and worked in a different state than them, and both they and I were going about our adult lives and walking our separate ways.  It was not, and never would be, the same as when I had been a child, an adolescent, or even a college kid.  The security and family unity of my youth was gone, and would never return.  When I realised this, I was twenty-eight years old.
     So, I set out on a personal spiritual quest.  I did this partially because I was mad at God, feeling that He had betrayed me by taking my parents away (which I later discovered was a fallacy on my part).  I also started on this quest because I had to re-evaluate my entire view of life, having seen my own world collapse before my eyes.  I needed answers, so that when I went through another traumatic collapse of people and places I held dear, I would be able to cope in a better way.  To make a very long story short, I spent the next eight years exploring non-Christian religions.  In the course of exploration and experimentation, I looked at many of the tribal indigenous religions of the world, Eastern religion systems, and the romanticist, eclectic collection of beliefs known collectively as the New Age Movement.   During that time, I returned to the celebration of Halloween, because I bought into the whole idea that Halloween was a Celtic Day of the Dead, and I was searching for spiritual aspects of my Irish heritage.   In the end, I rejected all of these ideas for the Orthodox Church.  It wasn't really very difficult for me to reject the ideas of the New Age, because I was too much of a historian and scholar to accept the blatant nonsense I had been hearing from so-called Druids, "Celtic shamans" and "wisewomen."
     The tenets of the New Age Celtic reconstructivist movement were founded on historical speculation and fantasy that could mostly be traced to romantic Victorians who conflated historical periods, historical figures and folklore to create history in their own image.  I enjoyed the stories that people claimed were from the Druids, but even from the first time I heard these stories, I knew that there was no actual written lore from the Druids, and sources on Celtic religion were at best very scant.  I also knew that many New Agers had a very inaccurate understanding of ancient pagan Europe and its deities, to say the least.  New Age writers amalgamated the numerous, separate deities of the ancient world into polarised archetypes such as the Goddess, the God, the Hunter-God, the Saviour-God who died and rose in the spring, etc.  These archetypes were largely derived from the writings of mythologist Joseph Campbell, who passed away in 1987.
     When I entered into Orthodox Christianity, I didn't just do it because it "felt right" or because I believed what the clergy of the Orthodox Church taught me.  There is a quote from a movie I used to watch with my mom in the 1980's, in which a female character says to her male friends who are trying to "educate" her according to their point of view, "I will not receive my education from the words of men!".   This is the approach I have always taken to my own education.  I have never accepted anything merely from the words of another person.  I have always checked everything, doing my own research, even when the things I was exploring turned out to be patently absurd.   So, I entered Orthodox Christianity not because I believed what the priests initially told me about the Orthodox Church, but because the things they told me were backed up by my own research.  Had I found that they were confabulating or exaggerating the ecclesiastical history and theology they taught me, I would have counted Orthodoxy as yet another failed experiment.  But because I found documentation for their teachings in historical documents of the time periods they spoke of, in various parts of Holy Scripture, and in the writings of early Christians, I was willing to accept their message.  Also, in accepting Holy Orthodoxy, I found the dispassionate peace I had long sought, a peace that was not based on emotionalism, but rather on a sense of genuine spiritual rest in which emotion and reason were perfectly balanced in the presence of the Lord.
     For the first few years I was Orthodox, I rejected Halloween because of unpleasant associations it held with experiences during the past eight years.  But I also did so largely due to peer pressure, because lots of other Orthodox Christians around me were rejecting it.  When I discovered the grounds for their rejection of Halloween, I was once again encountered with the same shoddy scholarship and false historical information I had encountered in the New Age movement, because the very information that my Orthodox brethren were using came right from those same New Age and Victorian fabrications!    Having been taught that the Orthodox Church prided Herself on being able to back up the truth She taught with documentation, I was appalled that my fellow Orthodox Christians were accepting such bad scholarship without even bothering to research the matter and determine if their reasons for rejecting Halloween were valid.  My husband, who was pursuing an archaeology degree at one time and has kept up regularly with developments in that field, was equally irritated for the same reason.  Both my husband and I are greatly opposed to sloppy, false scholarship, especially regarding history.
      To accept false representations of history is to perpetuate and condone lies.  John Sanidopoulos, author of the Orthodox blog "Mystagogy," has stated that we do Christianity a great disservice when we bear false witness.  I agree.  When we buy into scare tactics, lies and other misrepresentations of history, we do two things:  (1) we risk buying into ideas that are contrary to the teachings and mindset of our faith; (2) we make ourselves look less credible in the eyes of those out in the world at large, who can thereby discount the whole Christian message because they think we look like a bunch of dunces.
      All this being said, I return to the purpose of this series of articles.  I want to not only share the historical facts and sources I have found on Halloween, but also to give my readers titles of historical sources which they can check for themselves.   Allow me to clarify which types of sources can be relied upon, and which cannot, based on my own research and education.
     To really know if a historical claim is accurate, we need to find and research primary sources.  These are artworks, artifacts and historical writings from the time period itself, created by various and multiple people.  Some people think that literature of the time period in question is a primary source for history, but I would caution everyone on that approach.  Literature takes people, events and places of a particular time and often fictionalises or exaggerates them in order to tell a good story.  For example, it would be silly to assume that we could learn everything there was to know about mid-19th-century France by reading the novels of Alexandre Dumas.  Literature has to be put in historical context, but as far as being a primary source, one needs more concrete historical sources such as stone inscriptions, archaeological artifacts, and historical writings by people from that time.   If a historical claim about Celtic society can only be traced to the Victorian period and no further, it's questionable, because the Victorians were notorious for inventing their own versions of "Celtic" history out of romanticism or the egotistical desire to show the world how advanced Victorian society was compared to "primitive cultures."   Medieval sources from western Europe can be looked at and possibly used, but we must read these with discernment, because the writers were fequently trying to promote the interests of feudal institutions or the religious interests of the medieval Catholic Church.  In the Renaissance, we have writers who want to promote the interests of both the Roman Catholic Church and various Protestant confessions, in response to the great religious turmoil between those two groups at the time. Also, when reading any primary source, we have to read it in context according to the way people viewed the world at that time.    The Romans, for example, had a completely different view of the world from what we know today, as did all the other ancient cultures.
     In any historical source from the Middle Ages forward, we have to ask one fundamental question:  from where did the writers get their information?    From the 18th and 19th centuries forward, we must ask: where's the bibliography?   Did Mr. Merriweather from 1890 list any primary sources in his book on ancient Norse customs?  Were there any such sources available to him at the time?  If not, where did he get his information?
     I'm going to summarise what I have basically found out about Halloween from my search for primary sources and the research I've been conducting of late.  Then, in the next few articles, I'll present my readers with the primary sources themselves, or a statement about whether or not I found any on certain subjects.
Basically, I found this about Halloween:
     (1) There was a Celtic harvest festival called Samhain (pronounced "Sow-en," not "Sam Hane"!), but there are no primary sources stating that it was definitively a festival of the dead.  Nor do we have any primary sources that give many details about how the early Irish celebrated this festival.  There are some literary references to Samhain in Irish myths and a set of historical annals (The Annals of the Four Masters), which were chronicled by medieval Irish monks.  These literary references mostly talk about sensational supernatural happenings that occurred on Samhain Eve, events I would refer to as mythological rather than historical in nature.  There is one reference to fires being lit on Samhain.  However, there are no ancient writings that refer to Samhain that I've found.  None of the ancient authors, not even Caesar, mention it at all.
     (2)  There are no primary sources that definitively say that Samhain evolved into All Saints Day, or that All Saints Day replaced Samhain.  There are medieval sources that talk about certain Popes moving the celebration of All Saints Day from May 13 to November 1, as well as a source that says that the Irish celebrated All Saints Day on April 20 for a long period of time.  But none of these sources ever say point-blank that All Saints Day was moved to November 1 in order to replace the Celtic pagan harvest celebration of Samhain.  The idea that Samhain developed into All Saints Day comes from oral tradition alone, and much of that oral tradition can be traced back to romanticists in the late eighteenth and early-to-mid-nineteenth centuries.
     (3)    There is a reference to what we now think of as the primary Celtic festivals of the year, such as Lughnasa, Samhain, and Imbolc, on a Gaulish calendar called the Calendar of Coligny.  But there is argument among historians over the interpretation of the dates in this calendar.  Some people think that Samhain was celebrated in November, and others think it was celebrated in May.
     (4)  There is certainly no mention, anywhere, of a Celtic Lord of the Dead named Samhain.  There is a literary character, but no god.
     (5)  Most of the earliest references to Halloween come from medieval sources which detail various practices associated with Roman Catholic All Saints Day and All Souls Day.
     (6)  Some Halloween customs, such as bobbing for apples and going from door to door in costume, can possibly be traced to Catholic customs of the medieval period or the seventeenth century.  However, most Halloween traditions we know in America can definitely be traced through primary sources to the late nineteenth and early twentieth century.
      (7)  During the 16th and 17th centuries, many witch-hunters claimed that groups of witches were having "Witches' Sabbaths" on All Hallows Eve and on Walpurgis Night.   However, aside from wild accusations made against the poor hapless people accused of witchcraft and arrested by witch-finders and inquisitors, there are no actual written records of arrest for big, secret covens of witches who were found celebrating "sabbaths."  Guess what?  Some of the stories we know today of witches conducting spells on Halloween Night come from writings of Catholic and Protestant inquisitiors and judges.   Since the majority of the accused were completely innocent of such things, I think we can safely discount the validity of these sources.  The other witch-related stories were written during the Victorian period, and I've already addressed the lack of historical validiity in those writings.
      In the next few articles in this series, I will give my readers details from and names of the sources where I got this information, as I address various false claims about Halloween one at a time.
      In the meantime, should Orthodox Christians celebrate Halloween?  I think that this must be left to each individual conscience.  For myself, I celebrate Halloween as a fun, silly holiday that is mostly about mythology and fantasy.  As an Orthodox Christian, I believe that when people pass on, they do not return to the earth as ghosts.  The experience of the Orthodox Church is that all encounters with those who have died are physical events in which one encounters someone in a Resurrected Body, a body of flesh and blood that is fully alive, not a zombie.  So, since I don't believe in ghosts, I could care less if someone wants to dress up like one or hang ghost decorations from their windows.  As for vampires and other such things, those are total fantasies based on various Victorian writings, superstitions, and what I see as a human psychological need to face our fears.  So, I don't care about those either.  I enjoy watching silly movies about them.  Besides, even if a vampire were real, the reality of the Orthodox experience is that all he would need to do is touch an icon or try to drink the blood of a baptised Christian, and he would disintegrate! 
     Witches and magic?  Again, it's just fantasy and nonsense.  I personally believe that people who believe themselves to have magical powers are psychologically deluded.  The vast majority of self-styled "witches" I've run across in the past are people with enormous inferiority complexes who need to invent "magick powers" for themselves in order to feel empowered, or they are people who are running from or rebelling against a condemnational, Calvinistic form of God that is preached in certain Protestant churches.  A large number of New Agers I met were former evangelical Christians who didn't find what they needed spiritually, socially or emotionally in the churches where they grew up.  A large number of them also came from broken or highly dysfunctional families, often with absent parents and sometimes with problems of alcoholism or abuse in the family.
    On Halloween, I also inwardly acknowledge the pre-schism Western Christian celebration of All Saints Day and All Souls Day, taking the time to remember saints of the Church and the departed of my family, especially my own father, who passed away on Western All Souls Day (November 2, 1998).  I also take the time to remember my mother, who passed away on September 17, 1992.  Last but not least, Halloween is Saint Luke the Evangelist's feast day on the Julian Calendar.  While I'm remembering my departed parents and doing fun, harvest-related activities on Halloween, I also can sing the Troparion and Kontakion of St. Luke and read from his Gospel.
     There will be more to come in my next article.  But for now, I pray for blessings on all of my fellow Christians, whether they celebrate Halloween or not.  I wish everyone a lovely harvest season!

                                                                               In Christ's Love,
                                                                                             Gabrielle


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Coping with Social Rejection and Passive-Aggressive Bullying

     This article is inspired by recent events at a place where I am currently working in a temporary capacity.  I work with two women, one who is about ten years younger than me, and another who is exactly twenty-one years younger than me.  We have a big personality conflict, partially because of a generation gap, partially because I'm not perfect and make my share of mistakes like anyone, but mostly because they have chosen to reject me socially for whatever reason even though they've only been acquainted with me for the short two and a half weeks I've been there.

     It's not the first time, by far, that I've suffered this sort of thing from people who really don't know me that well.  I've been through it many times, and even changed my first name to take on a more empowered Christian identity so that I could better cope with this cross that seems to be particularly designated for me in this life.  I got baptised and changed my name, so that I could deal with this as a new creation in Christ instead of the weepy, indefensible person I had been before.  In taking on the name of the archangel Gabriel for my confirmation, I took on a dedication towards modeling myself towards his qualities and attributes as a follower of God--insofar as a human being can with the help of God.  St. Gabriel is, after all, an archangel, which gives him a certain advantage over me.  :)

     But the qualities of the Archangel Gabriel and my attempts to imitate those are a subject for a different article.  This article is about how to handle the nasty situation of social rejection and passive-aggressive, catty behaviour that can get thrown at us by those who don't understand us or those who fear us.

     Because I don't have the gift of telepathy (thank God!), I am unable to say what exactly has caused people to fear me, despise me or otherwise want to make a living commode out of me.  I know that God has granted me a great many gifts, among which is an IQ that probably measures somewhere between 140 and 150, and an abundance of musical talent that rendered me a child prodigy when I was growing up.  This is not meant as a boast, just an empirical fact.  As a kid, I was what is commonly referred to in psychological parlance as an intuitive genius, a person with very quick-firing brain synapses which can result in having unusual talents or abilities.  I was a child who was writing music for piano and small symphonic ensembles at age nine and who was winning piano and composition competitions right and left, a child who started writing an opera at age nine and finally finished it at the age of fifteen.  My ability to compose music, which was almost something I had to do obsessively to have any amount of inner peace, peaked and culminated when I was between the age of eighteen and twenty-one.  Then, at twenty-one, I had what is referred to as a burn-out.  This is similar to a stroke; the synapses just stop firing at the lightning speed at which they were originally going, like a rope being burnt up quickly by a flame.  When it's over, at least in women, it can leave an inability to create/compose/paint/whatever on the same scale as before.  It can leave a woman with an enormous memory, causing her to shift from being an intuitive genius to becoming a cumulative genius, someone who stores and remembers an enormous amount of information, like a living encyclopedia.  A woman who has been through a burn-out can eventually regain her abilities for short periods of time, little spurts of creativity.  However, a male who goes through a burn-out generally never recovers the abilities he had before; the damage to his brain is more permanent.  Men who lose their abilities due to a burnout will often break down emotionally and be susceptible to serious mental problems.  Women will go through a lot of depression.  The loss of abilities is never a good scenario for anyone of either gender.  Any kind of stroke really stinks. The time in which a burn-out occurs in an intuitive genius is between the age of 20 and 35.  If an intuitive genius hasn't had a burn-out by 35, his/her unusual abilities will not suffer in the least.  Mozart is an example of an intuitive genius who never had a burnout.  So is Einstein.  Intuitive geniuses have a 50% chance of having a burn-out.

      Anyway, these divergent facts aside, the fact is that geniuses of any stripe are often afflicted with great struggles when it comes to the development of social skills.  So it was with me.  I didn't actually develop the ability to hold a normal conversation or perceive group direction in conversation until I was about thirty-five years old.   I still struggle with certain things.  My experience in life has always been that people either really love me or really hate me.  There's little in between.  I have never, and will never likely win a popularity contest.  It's something I've learned to accept over the years.

     But there is one thing that I've also had to learn definitively not to accept:  the idea that I'm somehow less worthy of love or possessing of less human dignity because of these things.  God made me the way I am, and made me this way for a purpose.  Therefore, to try to make myself fit into a nice little box so that everyone will "like me better" is to act against the way the Lord made me, not to mention the great fault in acting against the old adage "To thine own self be true."  Really, no human being should try to make him/herself fit into everyone else's box.  Everyone is a unique creature, a unique person in the Lord, just as the Lord Himself is uniquely Three Persons of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

     Being a person who has often had to cope with social rejection and passive-aggressive bullying (mostly all from women, which is why I'm really hard on my own gender and might seem sometimes as though I have a really low opinion of it), I have learned some things about handling these sorts of situations.  I've learned, for one thing, not to put up with it.  Never be anyone's commode, that's what I always say.  Don't put yourself in a position to be crapped on.  In other words, if people reject me, I'm going to walk away from them.  Trying to get them to accept me when they have already made the decision to reject me is like that little puppy in the Looney Tunes cartoon who keeps hanging around the bulldog that always slaps him alongside the head.   The puppy runs enthusiastically alongside the bulldog, saying, "Hey, Spike, wanna play?  Huh, huh, huh?  Wanna find a cat to chase?"  The bulldog says, "Nah!" and slaps the puppy to the side of the road.  The puppy then looks at the audience and says, "Spike's my pal!"    Really?   NOT!  Anyone who is abusive of others is not a pal in any way, shape or form, and must be spurned not only for the sake of safe-guarding oneself against abuse, but also for the preservation of common human dignity.  So, once someone treats me like shite (pardon the expression--no other will do) and I've ascertained that's it's not just because of having a bad day or menstruation, I walk my merry way and avoid that person from that point on.   If someone craps on me once, shame on them.  But if someone craps on me twice, shame on me.

     Learning to avoid abusive people and situations is very important.  However, the best things I have learned about coping with these situations, I have learned from the Lord.  When the Lord Jesus Christ came into my life, He put all things into perspective.  He also helped me learn to get outside of myself and try to actually reach out and love others.  That's not always easy for someone with an artistic, creative personality and temperament.  Sometimes, reaching out to others can be hard because of having a high ego about one's creative accomplishments.  I started fighting against these egotistic tendencies when I was eleven years old, because I thought that if I didn't, I would surely land myself right in hell.  Pride is a grave sin.  So, sometimes pride can block an artist from reaching out to other people.  But more often, it's not ego that makes reaching out to others hard for people like me.  More often, it's having the tendency to be deep within oneself in the constant process of creation. Some people refer to this as "being in your own little world." It's also, frankly, not always knowing how to reach out and therefore choosing instead to retreat back into one's comfort zone. It was being baptised, coming to a true knowledge of Christ and being part of the Church that finally started bringing me around to some semblance of normalcy in social interaction with others.

     In my present situation, I was starting down the path of despair because I thought that surely, at the age of forty-four going on forty-five, I should have arrived socially by now.  How could I, in the throes of early middle age, still be in a situation where people were socially rejecting me?  I said to the Lord, "There must be something wrong with me, Jesus, because I'm forty-four, and here I am back in the same place I was when I was nine, eleven, thirteen, eighteen.  What gives?" 

     Well, Jesus answered me through a talk I had with my pastor this past Saturday.  I told my pastor my frustration that it seemed I still had not arrived socially, after all my labours to learn the ways of social behaviour in Western society.  He said, "Of course you haven't arrived, because you're heading for the wrong destination!"   He reminded me that my destination was not that of worldly approval, but rather, the destination of the heavenly Jerusalem that awaits all who follow and stay true to Christ.

      Today started as a day of suffering, a morning of being in situations where my efforts at conversation fell flat in the face of the two women deciding to ignore me and pretend I wasn't there.  But around noon, I had a chance to pray, and I asked the Lord to deliver me from the despairing thoughts and pain that had invaded my heart.  Note that I said "invaded."

     Allow me, as an Orthodox Christian who must daily engage in spiritual warfare, to tell you a secret about the invisible world.  When people treat us badly or we perceive that we are being treated badly by others, the demons take full advantage of that.  Despair is one of Satan's most common weapons, and a powerful one.  Look what it did to Robin Williams!  Anyway, when someone treats us badly, this is what happens in the invisible world:  a flock of Satan's demons surround us and these demons make all sorts of negative and terrible suggestions to our minds, telling us how mad we should be at the person who hurt us, or how broken up we should be because we're so despicable that everyone hates us.  Of course, anything the demons say is naturally going to be a lie, but more often then not, we think these are merely our own thoughts instead of demonic suggestion.  But I can assure all of my readers that a great many negative thoughts that suddenly pop into our heads are not actually from us, but from the invisible forces around us that want to lead us away from Christ.  You can tell whether it's the demons or your own thought by descending into your heart and examining it:  if your heart feels the emotion that goes with the negative thought, then it's probably a thought coming from you.  But if your heart is revulsed at the very thought itself and you find yourself thinking, "How could I have that thought?  That's not me!", well, guess what:  it's not you.  It's the evil one trying to make you feel like you have no access to God's grace, and like getting any better as a person is impossible.  But we must always remember that with God, all things are possible.

      But I digress.  What happened after I prayed to the Lord Jesus for deliverance?  What happened after I also asked His Mother, the holy Archangels and various holy saints to pray with me on this matter?  (Note, I said "with," not "to;" Orthodox Christians pray with saints, to God). Well, very quickly, I began to be healed in my heart.  I remembered that all of my dignity as a human being is defined by my relationship with God, not my relationship with man.  This is what I learned today, which I also shared with some friends earlier this evening.  I quote my earlier words:

     I am not one of those people who believes that suffering has a specific purpose to teach us some sort of lesson (because if it did, that would be a violation of the free will God has given us); however, I do believe (and it's affirmed in the Church fathers) that when we turn our sufferings over to the Lord, He can use it to help us or strengthen us in some way. There are two things I've learned today from suffering social rejection and cattiness, from my most recent experience: (1) I've seen myself in all the past times I've ever been unloving to others or rejecting of them: all the times I ever got annoyed or grouchy at someone and showed it, all the times I was ever mean to anyone when I was a kid or later in my adulthood, and all the times I've ever failed to respond to someone who was seeking my conversation or company. These moments came back like a movie playing in front of me. Having been shown this by the Lord, I pray that I may be better in the future at being Christ-like. (2) I've learned that any concern or worry over social acceptance is a worldly thing, apart from the things of God. It's like my pastor said to me recently: I may not have a place at this school, but I do have a place in the New Jerusalem. I may not be accepted by all human beings, but I am accepted by Christ, His mother, His holy saints. . .the Church triumphant and the Church militant. And that's what's most important. The rest, really, is nothing but vanity. I am reminded of Philippians 3:8: "I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ."

    And that's what I have to say this evening!  Glory be to Jesus Christ our Lord, now and ever and unto ages of ages, Amen!

                                                                                            ---Gabrielle